Stop Fixing and Start Coaching: Teen Parenting Strategy That Actually Works

Episode 03: Stop Fixing and Start Coaching: Teen Parenting Strategy That Actually Works

"She nods. Says 'okay.' But something in her voice tells you she has no intention of doing what you've suggested."

If you've ever offered your daughter perfectly good advice only to watch it evaporate the moment she leaves the room, this episode is for you.

The Painful Realisation

After years in senior pastoral roles, I discovered something that changed everything: teenage girls were saying "yes" to my advice not because they believed in it, but to people-please. The moment they left my office, my brilliant solutions disappeared—because they were mine, not theirs.

One mother I spoke to captured it perfectly: "I want to help her, but she thinks I'm trying to fix it."

Here's the truth: our daughters don't need us to fix their problems. They need us to coach them to find their own solutions.

What Coaching Actually Means

It's the difference between:

• "Here's what you should do" and "What do you think your options are?"

• "You need to speak to your teacher" and "What feels like the next right step?"

As Sir John Whitmore taught: "The role of a coach is to create awareness and responsibility through trust and rapport."

Not to give answers. To create awareness.

When your daughter discovers her own solution—even if it's messier than yours—she owns it, believes in it, and actually follows through. Most importantly, she builds the decision-making muscle she'll need for life.

The Science

When we tell teenagers what to do, it activates their threat-detection system. When we ask open questions, we activate the prefrontal cortex—the thinking, decision-making part of the brain.

Dr. Dan Siegel explains: teenagers aren't pushing us away because they don't need us. They're pushing away our control so they can practice becoming themselves—with us as their safety net.

Your Practice This Week

When your daughter brings you a problem, pause and ask:

"What do you think you might do?"

Then stay quiet. Give her space to think.

If she says "I don't know," try: "If you did know, what would it be?" or "What feels worth trying?"

You're not abandoning her. You're inviting her to tap into her own wisdom—which is far more powerful than anything you could tell her.

The Shift

Notice how often you jump in with solutions before she's finished explaining.

What if the most helpful thing you can do is pause, ask one powerful question, and trust her to find her own way?

That's coaching. And it's the skillset that will serve both of you for years to come.

Next Week: Episode 04 explores Calm—how to co-regulate and support her through the emotional rollercoaster of these years.

Connect with Kate Email: hello@coachingmotherhood.com

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