Teen Parenting Strategy That Works: Stop Fixing - Start Coaching

"She nods. Says 'okay.' But something in her voice tells you she has no intention of doing what you've suggested."

Your daughter comes home upset about a friend situation. She tells you what happened, and immediately you can see exactly what she needs to do. You know how to fix this.

So you offer her the solution—clear, practical, kind advice. She nods. Says "okay." But something in her voice tells you she has no intention of following through.

If this sounds familiar, this episode is for you.

This is the second of The 4 Coaching Fundamentals for the Teenage Years: Coach (Guide with questions, not solutions).

The Painful Realisation

After years in senior pastoral roles, I discovered something that changed everything: teenage girls were saying "yes" to my advice not because they believed in it, but to people-please.

A girl would come struggling with anxiety, friendship drama, or pressure from home. I'd listen carefully, then offer what I genuinely believed was the perfect solution.

And often they'd listen, agree it sounded good, thank me politely, and leave.

But here's what I slowly realized: they often didn't try what I'd suggested. It came down to one simple fact: it was my suggestion, not theirs.

As is often the way with girls, they were saying yes to get through the conversation and avoid disappointing an adult who clearly cares. But the moment they left, that brilliant solution evaporated—because they hadn't discovered or chosen it themselves.

One mother captured it perfectly: "I want to help her, but she thinks I'm trying to fix it."

What Coaching Actually Means

It's the difference between:
"Here's what you should do" and "What do you think your options are?"
"You need to speak to your teacher" and "What feels like the next right step?"

Sir John Whitmore taught: "The role of a coach is to create awareness and responsibility through trust and rapport." Not to give answers. To create awareness.

When your daughter discovers her own solution—even if it's messier than yours—she owns it, believes in it, and follows through. Most importantly, she builds the decision-making muscle she'll need for life.

The Science

When we tell teenagers what to do, it activates their threat-detection system. The teenage brain is wired to resist control and assert independence—that's healthy development, not rebellion.

But when we ask open questions, we activate the prefrontal cortex—the thinking, decision-making part of the brain. Questions invite engagement rather than triggering resistance.

Dr. Dan Siegel explains: teenagers aren't pushing us away because they don't need us. They're pushing away our control so they can practice becoming themselves—with us nearby as their safety net.

Your Practice This Week

When your daughter brings you a problem, pause and ask one coaching question:

"What do you think you might do?"

Then stay quiet. Give her time and space to think.

If she says "I don't know," try:
"If you did know, what would it be?"
"What feels worth trying?"

You're not abandoning her. You're inviting her to tap into her own wisdom—which is far more powerful than anything you could tell her.

Here's what often happens: she discovers an idea you never thought of. Or she arrives at the same conclusion you had—but now it's hers, so she'll actually own it.

The Shift

Notice how often you jump to solutions before she's finished explaining.

What if the most helpful thing you can do is pause, ask one powerful question, and trust her to find her own way?

That's coaching. And it's the skillset that will serve both of you for years to come.

Resources: Sir John Whitmore - Coaching for Performance | Dr. Dan Siegel - Brainstorm: The Teenage Brain

Important: This podcast is for educational purposes only, not medical advice. Always consult qualified healthcare professionals. Full terms and conditions.

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