The Art of Co-Regulation: Is It More Powerful Than Your Words?

"Conversations start to flow and tension shifts—not because you changed or fixed your daughter, but because you changed the signal your nervous system was sending.."

What if the key to your daughter's wellbeing lies not in what you say to her, but in your own emotional state when you're with her?

A few years ago, I was working as Housemistress at a UK boarding school—teaching, leading wellbeing sessions, supporting 50 teenage girls, all while running on adrenaline and caffeine. I was teaching stress management whilst barely keeping up myself.

After burnout forced me to step back, I returned and did something different. Instead of broadcasting capability, I sat with my girls and showed them my human side—the exhaustion, the struggle, the need to change.

Four high-performing girls came to me afterward—one by one—and shared they were struggling too. In all my years of pastoral care, I'd never heard so openly from this many at once.

What changed? I'd stopped broadcasting stress. For the first time, I was regulated and real.

This Is Co-Regulation

As Dr. Gabor Maté argues, what happens to the parent shows up in the child. When we're stressed, our children's nervous systems pick up on it through tone, expression, and energy.

Research shows teens actively adjust their behaviour to protect stressed parents—"treading on eggshells," choosing not to share worries to avoid adding to our load. This isn't manipulation. It's love.

The teenage brain is particularly sensitive. When your daughter senses stress in you, her rational brain struggles to moderate emotions. She can't think clearly or open up.

But when your nervous system says "I'm here, I'm steady," hers responds with openness.

What This Means

Before we can support our daughters, we need to regulate ourselves. My sophrology training became essential—short daily exercises and slow yoga, being present, practicing stillness rather than doing.

The more regulated I became, the more the teenage girls around me opened up.

Co-regulation isn't about perfection. It's about noticing when your nervous system is activated and bringing yourself back to centre before you engage.

Your Practice This Week

Before important conversations, pause and ask yourself: How am I showing up?

If you notice tension or rushing, take 60 seconds:

• One hand on heart, one on stomach

• Breathe in for 4, out for 7

• Locate tension in your body and breathe into it

Then engage. You're sending her nervous system a signal: "I'm here. I'm steady. You're safe with me."

Note: If you have respiratory or cardiovascular conditions, or feel dizzy, try a gentler ratio or consult a clinician.

The Shift

Notice how often you're running on adrenaline rather than presence. When mothers practise this, daughters start opening up. Conversations flow. Not because you changed or fixed your daughter—but because you changed the signal you were sending.

You can't be her safe space if you're not safe in yourself.

That's the third fundamental—Calm, through co-regulation.

Resources: Co-regulation | Adolescent brain | Teens protecting parents | Gabor Maté

Important: This podcast is for educational purposes only, not medical advice. Always consult qualified healthcare professionals. Full terms and conditions.

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